Why Would I Watch This Crap? – The Academy Awards

Ugh, the Academy Awards are on tonight… prepare yourself to be bored out of your fucking mind, that is, if you have the gall to even watch that crap.

That’s right, apparently you’re a racist now if you choose to support the Oscars, and I’m glad that the girl from Woo and the guy who directed She’s Gotta Have It have decided that this was the right time for some wealthy and famous Hollywood stars to make a stand against this year’s white-washed list of nominees.

woogottahaveit
Excellence

I’m proud to stand side-by-side with people of such staunch integrity, but I’m gonna go even further than them with my boycott. Where are the Bollywood nominees? Or the Koreans? Why are all the gay characters played by straights, and all the handicapped played by the non-handicapped? And you know what, the Academy Awards don’t even honour enough white people! What does Jason Statham have to do to get an nomination, play a gay guy with Parkinson’s? C’mon, that dude was the Transporter!

transporter
3 Transporter movies = 0 nominations

It’s always the same kind of people making the same kind of movies getting their asses-kissed at massively long bore-fest of a fucking show year-after-year. How does something that is supposed to recognize excellence in entertainment continue to produce the most un-entertaining television? If anything, I’m saying people should just stay away because the whole thing is so goddamned boring, which is probably almost as bad as having to sit through most of those movies that are being “honoured”.

Well, fuck all you enablers who keep this entire “prestige movie” industry alive – you know, these movies that you don’t watch and are just used to get awards on this legacy TV event that you morons continue to watch because I guess it legitimizes your amateur knowledge of fashion and excuses the base pleasure you had after actually paying to go to the theatre and watch movies like Furious 7 and Jurassic World.

Personally, I haven’t watched the full Academy Awards in years anyways, I made my choice back in 1999 when they dared to put the show up against the Monster Jam World Finals live on PPV.

gravedigger

And yet strangely, tens of millions of people continue to tune into the Academy Awards despite the lack of Gravedigger, Son-Uva Digger, or even Bigfoot, on the show. However, this year I find myself conflicted. Finally a movie that prominently featured a monster truck is nominated for the Best Picture award: Mad Max – Fury Road.

mad-max-fury-road

The Leonardo DiCaprios and Alicia Vikanders of the world can walk into rooms and pretty much get whatever they want from the ga-ga buffoons tripping over each other to pay them or praise them for just breathing that sugary sacred air, but a dude who smokes a whole pack of Kools while fixing an engine for his cousin because he can’t pay back the $500 he borrowed is my kind of loser, the kind represented by the monster truck, and all the gritty, hard-work that it takes to get that massive machine off the ground and land on an old bus with buzzsaw grinding tires and jet-fuel powered explosions.

So, why that’s why I might watch this crap – on the off chance that maybe, just maybe, a monster truck can once again do the seemingly impossible and break the Oscars’ cycle of excruciatingly repetitive dullness with 4 six-foot tires of soul-crushing, gear-churning, pretty-boy flattening, metallic mayhem! Sunday – Sunday – Sunday!!!

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