Deadpool is the Harry Connick Jr. of super-hero comic book characters.
That’s right, I said it.
Here’s the truth about the super-hero comics that everyone is afraid to discuss: that shit is old fashioned.
The time when mainstream super-hero comic books were new and interesting was in the 50s and 60s, dude! In the 1900s!
Marvel came along in the 1970s and unloaded a ton of new characters, then the 80s saw just a couple of mainstream stars like Wolverine and The Punisher crossover, and finally the 90s brought out the last few in Lobo, Spawn, and then right at the end there this piece of shit Deadpool started to get some semblance of popularity.
The problem is, the only people left at that point who were interested in traditional comic books where the truly fringe-ass losers. You know, after the rest of us grew up and got stupid jobs and crippling student loan debts that meant the only way we could even enjoy comic book-type stuff anymore was at that movies a couple of times a year. Those remaining gross fucks who populated the dwindling comic book conventions are the half-hillbilly idiots who tried to stay relevant by making Deadpool popular because he’s just like them: a horny, ugly loser who lives in a delusional reality where he’s the most important person in the world, cracks shitty jokes, lives forever and seems to be everywhere you fucking turn.
Once movies studios figured out they could use these quote-unquote “comic cons” to premiere their new trailers to good-looking young people, those nerd fans got pushed out to Magic The Gathering gatherings and online porn message boards. But now we’re stuck with this stupid Deadpool because these young kids today don’t know what’s cool from lame, they’re like a bunch of soulless cosplaying Village of the Damned babies who jump up and down when corporations feed them the content they bought the rights to at least 10 years ago. These kids can’t tell the difference between a rotary phone and a pager, wouldn’t know WKRP in Cincinnati from Welcome Back, Kotter, don’t understand the concept of the comic book rack at your convenience store and certainly won’t know shit about Frank Sinatra.
Sinatra apparently was once the biggest star in the world, as ridiculous as that sounds today. Frank Sinatra – that old fuck who acted like a tough guy and sang all those wimpy songs? Exactly. And thankfully, the days of crooners like him are gone, long gone… unless of course, you’re into Harry Connick Jr.
Harry Connick Jr. was like the last guy trying to hang onto that old fashioned kind of music and somehow managed to squeeze out a crossover career as a crooner by singing just like a young Frank Sinatra. Of course, the only people in the 90s who were listening to this guy were either housewives or posers, because if you were into Harry Connick Jr. instead of Soundgarden, A Tribe Called Quest or Chaka Demis and Pliers then, well, fuck you!
Being a Deadpool fan is like being a Harry Connick Jr. fan because no one who likes either of them would have been around when when the genre they come from was actually relevant. If you think Deadpool is cool then I can guarantee you’re one of these assholes who calls comic books “graphic novels”.
And speaking of assholes – surprise, surprise – guess who has been trying to make a Deadpool movie for years?
Ryan Fucking Reynolds!
There couldn’t be a better douche-bag, wannabe in all of Hollywood, short of Harry Connick Jr. himself, to take on the lame roll of Deadpool more than Ryan Reynolds.
Are his abs and smile really so great that movie studios must continue to ignore his horrible personality and keep throwing potential comic book-based franchises at the guy only to watch him flop time-after-time? They wanted to spin-off his wise-cracking bad ass character from Blade Trinity into a movie – failed! Then he destroyed one of the great classic comic book super-heroes, Green Lantern, with his wise-cracking bad ass routine. And he even tried to go indy comics with the R.I.P.D. adaptation that he once again wise-cracked his unfunny ass into another bomb. Hell, he already played Deadpool once in Wolverine Origins, and the best part about that version of the character was that they sewed his mouth shut (and don’t think that wasn’t intentional by the crew on set), something that he’s been trying to rectify ever since, because, you know, his wise-cracking badass routine works so well for him.
So great, he’s making a movie that now “gets” Deadpool because he talks to the screen, kills people, and make “hilarious” jokes the whole time.
Well, let me tell you what I get: Deadpool is a stupid character with a catalogue of unreadable garbage comics to his name, Ryan Reynolds is a desperate buffoon with an equally horrible filmography who probably fucked a goat in some Satanic ritual to get these studios to trust him with another potential franchise, and Harry Connick Jr., god bless him, is still signing those awful fucking songs.
I can tell you what I don’t get though: a ticket to this crap!