Why Would I Watch This Crap? – Deadpool

Deadpool is the Harry Connick Jr. of super-hero comic book characters.

dphc

That’s right, I said it.

Here’s the truth about the super-hero comics that everyone is afraid to discuss: that shit is old fashioned.

The time when mainstream super-hero comic books were new and interesting was in the 50s and 60s, dude! In the 1900s!

Marvel came along in the 1970s and unloaded a ton of new characters, then the 80s saw just a couple of mainstream stars like Wolverine and The Punisher crossover, and finally the 90s brought out the last few in Lobo, Spawn, and then right at the end there this piece of shit Deadpool started to get some semblance of popularity.

The problem is, the only people left at that point who were interested in traditional comic books where the truly fringe-ass losers. You know, after the rest of us grew up and got stupid jobs and crippling student loan debts that meant the only way we could even enjoy comic book-type stuff anymore was at that movies a couple of times a year. Those remaining gross fucks who populated the dwindling comic book conventions are the half-hillbilly idiots who tried to stay relevant by making Deadpool popular because he’s just like them: a horny, ugly loser who lives in a delusional reality where he’s the most important person in the world, cracks shitty jokes, lives forever and seems to be everywhere you fucking turn.

Once movies studios figured out they could use these quote-unquote “comic cons” to premiere their new trailers to good-looking young people, those nerd fans got pushed out to Magic The Gathering gatherings and online porn message boards. But now we’re stuck with this stupid Deadpool because these young kids today don’t know what’s cool from lame, they’re like a bunch of soulless cosplaying Village of the Damned babies who jump up and down when corporations feed them the content they bought the rights to at least 10 years ago. These kids can’t tell the difference between a rotary phone and a pager, wouldn’t know WKRP in Cincinnati from Welcome Back, Kotter, don’t understand the concept of the comic book rack at your convenience store and certainly won’t know shit about Frank Sinatra.

Sinatra apparently was once the biggest star in the world, as ridiculous as that sounds today. Frank Sinatra – that old fuck who acted like a tough guy and sang all those wimpy songs? Exactly. And thankfully, the days of crooners like him are gone, long gone… unless of course, you’re into Harry Connick Jr.

Harry Connick Jr. was like the last guy trying to hang onto that old fashioned kind of music and somehow managed to squeeze out a crossover career as a crooner by singing just like a young Frank Sinatra. Of course, the only people in the 90s who were listening to this guy were either housewives or posers, because if you were into Harry Connick Jr. instead of Soundgarden, A Tribe Called Quest or Chaka Demis and Pliers then, well, fuck you!

Being a Deadpool fan is like being a Harry Connick Jr. fan because no one who likes either of them would have been around when when the genre they come from was actually relevant. If you think Deadpool is cool then I can guarantee you’re one of these assholes who calls comic books “graphic novels”.

And speaking of assholes – surprise, surprise – guess who has been trying to make a Deadpool movie for years?

Ryan Fucking Reynolds!

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There couldn’t be a better douche-bag, wannabe in all of Hollywood, short of Harry Connick Jr. himself, to take on the lame roll of Deadpool more than Ryan Reynolds.

Are his abs and smile really so great that movie studios must continue to ignore his horrible personality and keep throwing potential comic book-based franchises at the guy only to watch him flop time-after-time? They wanted to spin-off his wise-cracking bad ass character from Blade Trinity into a movie – failed! Then he destroyed one of the great classic comic book super-heroes, Green Lantern, with his wise-cracking bad ass routine. And he even tried to go indy comics with the R.I.P.D. adaptation that he once again wise-cracked his unfunny ass into another bomb. Hell, he already played Deadpool once in Wolverine Origins, and the best part about that version of the character was that they sewed his mouth shut (and don’t think that wasn’t intentional by the crew on set), something that he’s been trying to rectify ever since, because, you know, his wise-cracking badass routine works so well for him.

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Can’t all of his movies be like this? Please?

So great, he’s making a movie that now “gets” Deadpool because he talks to the screen, kills people, and make “hilarious” jokes the whole time.

Well, let me tell you what I get: Deadpool is a stupid character with a catalogue of unreadable garbage comics to his name, Ryan Reynolds is a desperate buffoon with an equally horrible filmography who probably fucked a goat in some Satanic ritual to get these studios to trust him with another potential franchise, and Harry Connick Jr., god bless him, is still signing those awful fucking songs.

I can tell you what I don’t get though: a ticket to this crap!

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8 thoughts on “Why Would I Watch This Crap? – Deadpool

  1. Very accurate description of the mess that is ‘Deadpool’. Reynolds is one of the most unfunny annoying un-personalities to ever appear on screen.
    This movie made major bucks at the box office because it had NO competition from anything, anywhere and the studio knew it. Released during spring break! It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
    The movie appeals to 18 year olds who are desperate to see an R-rated superhero movie. The other people who will enjoy this movie are people with an I.Q of about 40. Nobody in the theater seemed to enjoy any of the contrived, presumptuous dialogue and unfunny jokes. I heard one guy in the theater, ONE guy laughing loudly at every tasteless and lame joke. You could tell this was a person you wanted to stay clear of. I would bet money there are bodies buried in that guys basement, or there soon will be.

  2. Boo hoo, your just buttsore because Comics Have Finally Grown Up. You can tell Deadpool is mature because his movie features intense swears. Would an immature person say words like vagina, fucking shitballs or buttsore? Yeah right. I think not rofl. I didn’t even bother reading you’re so called review because it looks like an extended whine about Ryan Reynolds, who’s probably made it with more chicks than you will have at a comparable age. Don’t like my man Ryan? Then fast forward through the back story. Duh. It’s not like he’s in the whole movie. And don’t tell me ted Danson doesn’t put in a moving performance as the burned version of Pool. Because then you’ll lose all credibility! Hey maybe you’re blog should be called doctor LOSER! haha. Guess what doc. I’m not laughing WITH you, and I’m certainly not laughing at Deadpool, I’m laughing AT you!

    1. That reminds me, I need to go back and re-watch old episodes of Becker.

      Ted Danson as a sarcastic doctor, a blind black guy, the hot chick from Deep Space Nine… hell0, metaphor! Am I right??

  3. Oh come on I obviously meant

    Your right.

    Screw you, college boy, you know what I meant. Language is about getting you’re meaning across, not about spelling every little thing perfectly. I’m just a concerned citizen, not a bigshot doctor like some people. Don’t be such a semantic jerk. That’s just pedantics.

    Is this blog meant to be comedy? What a joke. I’m literally laughing at you’re attempts at humor, Doctor “Loser” or as I call you Doctor LOOSER with a capital L (which stands for looser!). Hahaha

    1. Actually, it’s really more like Dr. BOOZER these days, you know what I’m sayin?
      I be like Ryan Reynolds OR Ted Danson all up in the place with a CosmopoliTIN, you know what I’m sayin?
      Boozer… lol… get it?

  4. Guess I was one of the cool kids when I was young. Dead pool was the best movie I’ve seen in a long time. Ryan Reynolds perfect. What a hateful rant that was. Being 50 and still in mommys basement has made you bitter

  5. seriously , being an idiot is apparently now the NORM . being a silly man-child , dick-gay humor laughing buffoon is now tottaly mature and we the “other” obnoxious ppl that dont like this humor we are the retards . my GOD these pagan hollywood fucks have made it . everyone is programmed to like their crap now . good training for the Young hollywood , i applaud you . (sorry for my english , its not my native language)

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