Who Will Lose the Super-BORE? The Dr. Loser NFL Big Game Preview

The Denver Broncos will lose the Super Bowl this weekend.

Why?

I don’t know.

Actually, let me take that back… the Carolina Panthers will lose the Super Bowl.

Whatever.

Does it really matter?

On one side you’ve got Denver with their super defence on the other side you’ve got Carolina with their super offence. That’s my expert analysis.

Sounds to me like one team is either gonna score a lot or the other is gonna stop them from scoring a lot.

That’s football.

Football

And this grey lethargy is what happens when nothing about those two teams appeal to you in the final game of the season; that one game that is supposed to encapsulate all of the drama, tension and excitement of the year in football. Except this time all I see are two teams that stink and just want them both to lose somehow.

I’m not sure which team I care less about? The weak Broncos who keep luck-winning despite perennial sad-sack (yet sickening media darling) Peyton Manning, who is most likely definitely only still playing thanks to possibly maybe taking illegal PEDs to help him recover from career-ending injuries and then sending a gang of toughs to intimidate the whistle-blower who maybe probably knew all about it.

Or you’ve got the Panthers who Gangnam Style-danced all over a season’s worth of terrible teams with a sense of entitlement rivalled only by Golden State golden boy, and Panthers super-fan, Steph Curry silver-spooning his way to an NBA championship. And then of course, there was the classy gem of a moment when the Panthers arguably potentially used a strategy of baseball bat-wielding gay-bashing to intimidate one of the leagues best receivers.

Again, what do I care… they’re both losers if you ask me, and aren’t I just a loser for knowing that I’m going to watch it all anyways?

Well, here’s my prediction for the score: 0 – 0.

That’s right, it’s gonna be unprecedented. Both teams are going to fail to score. They’re gonna go into overtime and after a full quarter the score will still be tied at nothing.

So they play on… and on… each quarter more boring than the next. As the game stretches in the AM in the Pacific Time Zone… finally something truly amazing happens.

Like a Roman Emperor addressing the hordes at a gladiator tournament in the Colosseum, NFL Commissioner “Mr. Integrity” Roger Goodell emerges from his private box in Levi’s Stadium, surrounded by trumpeters and flag-bearers, halting the game like the Pittsburgh defence witnessing a Peyton Manning self-sack.

Goodell than proclaims that he was responsible for New England Patriots kicker Stephen Gostkowski intentionally shanking the extra point kick in the Conference Finals game against the Broncos, as part of Goodell’s revenge scheme for being exposed as an incompetent buffoon in the bogus deflate-gate scandal. Gostowski also steps out of the box, tears in his eyes and head drooping in shame.

Then Goodell announces that there is only one way to fairly save this travesty of a Super Bowl game, and with a wave of his arm and a herald of trumpets, from out of the tunnel on the field come the full New England Patriots team, led by #12 Tom Brady!

ontothefield

Now the Panthers and Broncos must team-up to take on the Patriots. And this mashed up team does it’s best, but the Patriots prevail – obviously – once Brady gets the ball with 2 minutes left in the quarter, and as usual, makes the final drive to win the Super Bowl!

And then all will be right in the world!

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