Nothing quite makes one feel as mortal as the doom of elimination in the NFL playoffs. You can go from dancing topless at Spring Break like you’re the star of a reality show one week to being shot in the back of the head while eating dinner with your family in a New Jersey diner the next.
You might work your ass off or you might just fall backwards into a win, and that fine line between success and failure can be maddening.
It’s enough to make an atheist want to pray. Trust me, I know. I’ve been on my knees desperately pleading up to heaven while the clock is running down on my favourite team’s season, making promises that I swear I’ll keep if they only pull this one out at the last second.
And there are no shortage of players who become religious in these moments as well, especially those who thank the Lord on TV after they win, and the majority of those, of course, who must be cursing him/her as they suffer the cruelty of defeat.
But what really makes one team win and another lose? Is it possible that the divine has a hand in all these outcomes, like a greedy match-fixer choosing victors based on whims of fancy and personal fortune. However, from what we see even the wisest of us are perplexed by all these coincidental and random variables that come together in the oddest of combinations. A ball dropped at the worst time, an incomplete pass that would have been perfect, a kicked ball swept up by an infuriating gust of wind. Is this science or is this magic?
Well, as I saw the great angel of death spread it’s wings around four more teams last weekend, some were definitely looking up into the eclipsing shadow and praying for that last second miracle. Some heaved the football blindly into the air, some scrambled to get possession back once more, but in the end, it was inevitable – you’re losers!
And now I welcome you to the worst place you could possibly end up, watching the rest of the playoffs on TV just like me!
Just who are you exactly? Well, let’s take a look:
New England Patriots vs. Kansas City Chiefs
Not once did the outcome of this game seem in doubt — I mean, Kansas City? C’mon? Not even the 11 game winning streak they came in on had anyone truly convinced they were going to be much of a challenge to Tom Brady with this full arsenal of A-level receivers
A better team might have capitalized on a lull in effort by these titans midway through the game, but the Chiefs revealed their true form, and when it mattered dullard quarterback Alex Smith proved to be gutless and head coach Andy Reid displayed his famous tact for being a bumbler and miscalculator in crunch time.
Congrats Chiefs on going 11-0, make yourselves a shirt. But you’d better put on the back that you are 0-1 against the Patriots and Tom Brady in the playoffs… losers!
Arizona Cardinals vs. Green Bay Packers
If only praying actually did work, then the Green Bay Packers would be heading to the NFC Conference Finals next weekend.
You see, celebrated Green Bay Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers threw up two massive Hail Mary passes – named aptly to imply that praying to a Christian god was as effective a strategy as throwing in those situations – to keep his team alive in the final minute of this game against the favoured Arizona Cardinals. Despite seemingly dominating the Cardinals throughout the game, Green Bay just couldn’t score. At least not until Rodgers’ prayers were answered and he incredibly tied it up with that second Hail Mary, sending the game into Overtime.
I like how all the fans and commentators of football want to get all gooey over a fucking Hail Mary pass? I mean, I guess I’m the crazy one for actually hoping to see good, interesting, hard work and strategic play. Instead, there seems to be a very vocal majority out there who are wow-ed by these 50+ yard throws into the end-zone that can win or lose a game based on a chance.
This is like wanting to just watch hockey or soccer shoot-outs to determine a winner, or like, say the Golden State Warriors winning an NBA championship by turning the game into one long “He’s On Fire” NBA JAM 3-point display.
So after two of these long bomb prayers that sent the game into Overtime, I was glad that the play that finished off the Packers was an equally long-yardage gain, but one forced through great blocking, athletic running, and good impromptu football decision-making
Thankfully all the coin flips, Hail Marys, and undoubtably numerous prayers, voodoo, slight of hand, HGH, and any other magic, wasn’t what won the day, but instead good football prevailed. Pray for a better team Green Bay, because as of right now you’re losers!
Carolina Panthers vs. Seattle Seahawks
The Seattle Seahawks won the Super Bowl two years ago, had it literally ripped out of their hands at the goal line last year by the New England Patriots, but this year they aren’t even going to the big game.
Even better, you got beat by this guy!
Oops, no sorry, I meant this dancing fool!
Sorry Seattle, you’re not winning any more football games or dance contests this season… because you’re losers!
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Denver Broncos
Steelers, you’re losers, yeah, yeah… but the real losers here are no doubt the Denver Broncos.
I mean, this Denver team has squeaked by all season with some of the most lucky wins imaginable. Few of them thanks to the effort of superstar quarterback Peyton Manning, who seems to be having the luckiest season of all. This after a career that has been about collecting stats like a homeless person with a shopping cart stuffed with aluminium cans and few compelling big time victories.
Well, your luck is about to run out Manning, as you’re scheduled to match up once more with your arch rival, the champion’s champion, Tom Brady.
You know, Tom Brady wins many thrilling, epic playoff games with this “damn right!” intense face:
While Peyton Manning loses many dull, blowout playoff games with his “what happened?” perplexed face:
Let’s just compare these two for a moment, shall we:
Tom Brady is 11-5 versus Peyton Manning in his glorious career – Peyton Manning is 5-11 against Tom Brady in his limp career.
Tom Brady can throw a football so fast and precise that he can harmlessly hit a feather off the top of a baby’s head from 50 paces back – Peyton Manning tries the same thing, and another baby intercepts the ball and runs it in for a touchdown – and they’re not even playing a game!
When accused of cheating by deflating balls, Tom Brady calmly denies everything in front of a civilized press conference and then puts himself under oath in a court of law to testify for his innocence, and is subsequently exonerated – when accused of doing HGH Peyton Manning gets all angry and rages out with some reporters like a mental patient, never denies that HGH was sent all over the country to his wife in a possible PED cover-up strategy similar to the one used by fellow raging lunatic Roger Clemons, and is still “mulling over his options” with his lawyers in regards to that defamation lawsuit that we can all be sure “won’t be worth it” to file in the end. Hmmm.
Tom Brady married a super-model – In second grade, Peyton Manning married his glue stick.
Tom Brady gets bullied by Eli Manning in the final quarter of Super Bowls – Peyton Manning, bullies younger brother Eli Manning because that’s how you learn them.
Tom Brady promotes clean living, fair play, hard work, dedication to his craft – Peyton Manning promotes Nationwide and Papa Johns.
Tom Brady won’t eat tomatoes for fear of joint inflation – Peyton Manning stacks tomato slices on his thick beef burgers, and then smears the grease all over his face like war paint before wrestling his dad and older brother in the living room, while they yell at Eli to get more beers from the fridge.
Tom Brady dressed up like a turkey to surprise his kids on Thanksgiving.
What a dad! – While on his Thanksgiving, Peyton Manning dressed up as Wild Bill Hickok and terrorized a bunch of injuns! What a jerk!
Tom Brady is like Captain America – Peyton Manning is like D-Man.
Tom Brady is a winner – Peyton Manning, despite winning last week, is a loser!
And pray all you want Manning, but I know I’m gonna be right back here next week calling you a loser all over again. Of this, there can be no doubt. Some things are just destined to be.