Why Would I Watch This Crap? – 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

I know what you’re thinking, “Cool, let’s all pile on Michael Bay! That asshole makes the shittiest movies!”


But hold up–before you start to think we’re all friends here in Bay-hate, I think you’ve come to the wrong place.

The reason I don’t want to watch this 13 Hours crap is because it’s too pedestrian for a brilliant director like Michael Bay to be wasting his time on. This man is an absolute master of creating the most unbelievably insane, mega-scale, sci-fi theatrical action, that it’s a waste of his time, and ours, to be doing anything else.

The level of mastery he achieved with the four Transformers movies is action sequence artistry beyond compare, and on this there can be no debate.

If you saw Transformers – Dark of the Moon in IMAX 3-D then you know what I’m talking about.

If you still have a headache from the 40 minutes of immersive non-stop destruction that ended Transformers – Age of Extinction, then you understand.

If you think you know better, then you’re a douche.

Name the movies you think are badass then? Pacific Rim? Saving Private Ryan?? Star Wars – The Force Awakens???


That’s right, you just forced me to type “LOL”, that’s how ridiculous you sound to me.

If you want to judge any movie as subjectively better than Transformers, than let me introduce you to someone else that thinks the movie you like it equally trash compared to like Tarkovsky or Kurosawa.

But if you want to quantify aspects of an action movie to see which one just has more, then go ahead, try it! Name any movie you want from Jurassic World to the The Raid 2, and if you line it up next to Transformers 4 and you’re going to lose. Budget, explosions, sustained minutes of action, amount of destruction, seamless daylight CGI, people running, buildings destroyed, fights, guns, lasers, garbage strewn… whatever it is you think makes good action, Michael Bay has outdone it with the Transformers movies.

Maybe you think the “story” in the Transformers movies is shit. Good for you, you’re now officially one of those people. And, okay, movies can have good stories, sure, but you don’t need to go to a movie to see a good story–novels, plays, comic books, I’m pretty sure all of those would be just as effective at telling a good story. But the only place in the world where you can see the kind of action sequences supplied by a Transformers movie is inside a movie theatre. Watch it on your iPhone or your home theatre, and it’s not even remotely the same, and that’s why you’d probably end up focusing on the “story” in these movies. Moron.

So Michael Bay is one of the few movie directors alive who is truly trying to create a completely unique theatrical experience for you, and he chooses to do it with massive robots that destroy entire cities with their brutal wars.

And you’d think because he’s making such a bizarrely niche product, in theory, that he would have to beg on his hands and knees to get the funding to make something like this, and then would have to constantly kowtow to studio executives and corporate standards. But nope, this guy has complete and utter control over his movies. You can call them self-indulgent if you want, but again I laugh at you. What do you do on a comparable scale? Where you have earned that amount of creative control over hundreds of millions of dollars of tech and equipment for the sole purpose of bringing a new level of thrill to complete strangers?

THIS guy sucks…??

Yeah, I’m sure being a cog in the Accounting department of some IT company really makes you an authority on the power Michael Bay wields behind the camera of a Transformers movie.

So anyways, what does this have to do with 13 Hours, and why I wouldn’t want to watch crap like this.

Simple – it’s NOT a Transformers movie.

As I’ve just explained, this man is the only one on Earth pushing the limits on what can be done in cinematic action on a galactic scale, and who knows how many more movies he has left in him (or how many more I have left to see), and I want it to be as many like Transformers as possible.

Sure, he’s still going to be making Transformers 5, but while he’s spent the last while working on 13 Hours, no matter how good it may be, we know that it’s not going to involve a moon-sized spacecraft that sucks up buildings to shoot back like bullets at the giant kung fu killer robots riding robotic dinosaurs that are trying to stop it.

transformers age of extinction hong kong spaceship giant magnet

Jim from The Office looking all intense and shooting stuff is cool and all, but leave that kind of normal stuff to hack directors like JJ Abrams, as far as I’m concerned Michael Bay should only be working with on fucking ridiculously massive movies and anything less is crap.

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