Why Would I Watch This Crap? – The Peanuts Movie

Was there anything worse back when you were a kid than when you pulled out the thick, fold-out comic strip section of the weekend newspaper and saw Peanuts staring at you on the front page? What a downer.


No one liked Peanuts. It was that comic strip your parents told you was good and you were supposed to like, I guess, because it was old and famous enough to get such a premiere slot in that coveted section, but c’mon, no kids ever actually liked it.

There were few things I wouldn’t read back then, Doonesbury (obviously), and maybe Family Circus (unless it had that Billy’s path of mayhem dotted-line bit, but those were few and far between) or Adam (Mr. Mom rip-off), but my day of comic strip reading didn’t even start until I officially skipped past that opening Peanuts garbage.

There was just nothing funny about those game board piece looking characters and their mundane insights on regular stuff. Charlie Brown was a sad sack who was not fun like Sad Sack but instead moped around in font of drab, blank backgrounds with some pussy who sucked his thumb and hugged a blankie, and a bunch of cock-tease chicks who thought they were too good for him.

And worst of all was that stupid Snoopy. What a try hard! The guy flew his dog house like an imaginary plane in faux-WWI air battles. Where were the jokes? It was like a goddamn history lesson. If you’re reading this and you knew a kid back in school who wore a Snoopy t-shirt, I can guarantee you they weren’t your friend, right? Of course not, they were losers!

Suffering through a Peanuts comic in general was like having to hang out at your weird cousin’s house, you know that one where they weren’t allowed to watch TV and didn’t have any toys except for like Lego. They were kids who had free time, but they weren’t doing anything cool with it, and this is how Peanuts feels as a comic strip, it’s got all the elements to be a Hagar or a Shoe but instead wastes it on showing a bunch of sorry-ass bullshit.

So yeah, I’ve got no love for Charlie Brown or Peanuts, or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be called, in comic strip form and so I’m certainly not going to watch this crappy movie.


More importantly, why does every movie for kids these days have to be so damn harmless, white-washed and clean? No wonder they dusted off one of the most sanitized and inoffensive comic strips in history to force on this poor generation of bubble-wrapped, marshmallow soft youngsters.

Inside Out, Hotel Transylvania, and now Peanuts. What kind of liberal agenda has led to such a slate of cutesy, feel-good cartoons about feelings, family and friendship? Where are the robots with chainsaws, machine-gunning terrorists fighters, or muscled-up dudes punching each other in the face? Seems unfair.

Can’t we get them to try another pass at a Garbage Pail Kids movie? I mean, in a world where you can basically see people being eviscerated on network TV every night for fun, why can’t kids enjoy something like Viv E. Section anymore?


Now that’s some crap I’d watch!

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