Why Would I Watch This Crap? – Burnt

I haven’t even watched the trailer for Burnt, and I honestly don’t even know what this movie is really about, but this poster tells me all I need to know about why I’ll never watch this crap.

Bradley-Cooper-Burnt-Movie-Poster-001-800x1185

First of all, you’ve got the face of ‘oooh’ Mr. Handsome – Bradley Cooper – dead in the center of the poster, staring into you with those soft blues, the tinge of a smile cut into his rugged beard shadow, and perfectly mannequin hair coverage with just a few strays popping up to give him that stylishly casual look.

And yet that slicked back hair and neatly unshaven style matches so romantically with his rolled up sleeves and crossed arms, showing you that this is a “man”. He’s not some pussy half-balding blog-writer with pipe-cleaner arms, a patchy beard, and can’t keep eye contact with anyone for more that 5 seconds without feeling uncomfortable. Bradley Cooper could kick that guy’s ass, but wouldn’t because he’d understand.

And as for those crossed arms, seriously, who crosses their arms that tight? It’s like he’s doing the old making-out-with-yourself-in-a-corner gag. We all know that this is another lure for those love-struck broads in the audience thinking those strong forearms are going to wrap them up in a tight cuddle.

So he’s a chef, right? He’s handsome, hard-working, and can cook. We get to see his right ear in perfect spot-lighting, and I’m guessing that means he’d be a great listener. Oh, and the other side of his face is in the shadows, because he’s got a dark side. So he’s a bad boy too, and yeah, we know how much ladies hate that.

Why the fuck would I want to watch a movie that is posterizing romance-porn so blatantly that while looking at that thing for the last 5 minutes I think I just half-chubbed up. Stop it Cooper, you delightful bastard!

I’ll tell you what, if you want me to watch a movie that has a good-looking dude’s face staring at you on the poster, how about this one:

kuffs

Now that was a movie! And what a poster – a guy with a gun, shades, mischievous smile, cocky eyebrow raise… you know Kuffs is gonna get the job done!

Unlike Burnt which tells us in the poster: “Never underestimate a man with everything to lose.” Ugh.

Let me guess, Bradley Cooper is a chef with a dark past who loses his job and then has to start from the bottom to work his way back up to the top for redemption, which he basically does in the end. And I’m sure he bangs some super-hot chick who looks nothing like the target audience of frumpy middle-aged house fraus this poster was designed to wet up.

Oh shit, here’s the official synopsis from Google that I swear I didn’t read until after writing that above guess-nopsis:

Adam Jones (Bradley Cooper) was once a top chef in Paris until drugs and alcohol led to a meltdown that put his career on hold. After moving from New Orleans to London, Adam gets a shot at redemption when his former maitre d’ reluctantly hires him as the head chef of his fine-dining restaurant. Demanding perfection from his newly formed staff, the acerbic and temperamental Jones gets a second chance to fulfill his dream of earning a third Michelin star.

Damn, I was close. I had the dark past, losing his job, nailed “redemption”, and of course here’s that love interest:

siena
Try competing with that ladies.

So yeah, I won’t be watching this crap, but I do have to wonder why -after looking at that accursed poster for so long- I now feel the need to spend the weekend re-reading one of my favourite novels?

o-FABIO

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2 thoughts on “Why Would I Watch This Crap? – Burnt

  1. An entertaining review, but one that I totally disagree with. This is a well made film about a subject that gets little air time. As for Bradley Cooper, his acting was first class.

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