With Week 7 of the 2015-16 NFL season officially over, it’s time to run a train through all those bents over losers thinking they’ve got football by the balls.
Let’s start with the most obvious loser of the week: Television
For the first time ever, the NFL exclusively streamed a live football game online for free. Of course, this was one of those garbage games they send over to London, England and so it played way early in the morning on Sunday, however, it seems like lots of people tuned in (I guess it was on their phones on their church wifi?) and the 4th quarter was shocking exciting despite Buffalo and Jacksonville generally being fucking terrible teams.
Your regular ham-and-egger is already looking for any way to get out of those over-priced TV cable bills, so this could be a good sign for the future. At the very least it’s big trouble for those fat cat network executives already clutching with half-dead fingers at that big heavy closing coffin lid.
Still, all of us regular losers out there shouldn’t get too excited that unlimited football is going to arrive inexpensively through the internet anytime too soon. Yeah, that Yahoo game was free, but the NFL is going to drill you like you’re a a guest-star on American Horror Story if it gets the chance to set the universal price for catching a glimpse of these games.
And I do mean glimpse. I think once the NFL has ala carte options for their game streams they’ll be charging you by the quarter, if not the possession. “Do you want to watch the last 2 minutes of this exciting game, press this button and pay $5 for access.” Ugh.
Hey television, hold on as long as you can because, of course, we love you… but this week you’re a loser!
Speaking of losers, a couple of Dr. Loser favourites continued to lose their way up the ladder this week, like the NFL pink month’s poster boy, Greg Hardy, who proved that he can do more than just push women onto piles of guns when he actually started an argument with injured Cowboys star Dez Bryant on the sidelines during their loss to the Giants.
When asked about this argument after the game, Hardy – who had no problem telling reporters that he loved looking at Giselle in the audience at Patriots games and hoped she’d bring her younger sister too – took this hardline stance:
Cool. I’ve got a comment for you Hardy… you’re a loser!
And speaking of fights, the man who never loses one to his 4-year-old boy, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was back in the news for a mysterious illness that almost kept him out of his game on Sunday, which was possibly due to one of two awesome reasons:
– eating shrimp: despite being allergic to shellfish, this dude just loves shrimp so much that he NEEDS to eat it sometimes, like 2 days before a professional football game that he’s paid millions of dollars to play in.
– dip juice: as his team’s jet hit turbulence earlier in the week, there was some worry that he might have gotten sick from swallowing a wad of chewing tobacco dip juice, but the always classy addict assured us: “Man, I’ve been dipping for the past 10 years, swallowing dip… my body is immune to it. It doesn’t affect me at all.”
Oh Adrian Peterson… we don’t care how you got sick, you’re a loser either way!
Few things in the world make those of us at the Cleveland Brown-loving Dr. Loser offices happier than a Baltimore Ravens loss.
Especially when they end up crying about the officiating on their own website blog afterwards: https://sports.vice.com/en_us/highlight/baltimore-ravens-burned-by-officiating-post-a-story-on-their-website-about-it
Hey Ravens, don’t cry… you still won a Superbowl thanks to that magical deer antler spray!
Karma’s a bitch, losers!
New York Jets
Ah, the poor Jets, another team built to try and defeat division rivals, and Superbowl champions, the Patriots, who learned this week that they are still LOSERS!
Oh, and while we’re talking about Brady and the Patriots…
The NFL filed their official appeal on the appeal that overturned the NFL’s ruling on the appeal of Brady’s ball deflation suspension.
Really? They’re going to seriously go through with this again? A case with no proof and no logic that basically wants to argue that the NFL must be allowed to make completely irrational decisions just because it says so.
What kind of point are they trying to make? It’s like trying to argue that you should be allowed to shit on your hands and smear it all over your own bedroom walls and anyone who dares to come in there, because it’s YOUR room. Dude, that’s gross.
Well, good luck with that nonsense appeal. The way I see it, nobody puts Brady in a corner.