Why Would I Watch This Crap? – The Last Witch Hunter

Are witches really a thing? Call me crazy but when I hear “witches” the first thought that comes to mind is the Wizard of Oz or Cinderella. That’s right, girls stuff. Not to sound too un-PC, but that’s not cool (no offense, of course). I mean, at least it shouldn’t be cool for man’s man Vin Diesel – the guy who championed the crotch level, slow-mo bikini camera angle in his Fast & Furious series. Do we really want to see this guy fighting “witches”?


Just out of principal, based on the name of the movie alone, I know for a fact that The Last Witch Hunter is definitely probably crap. So why would I, a legit member of two Vin Diesel facebook fan-pages, submit myself to watching him feminise his bad-ass image? We worked so hard to make people forget about The Pacifier and have almost scrubbed the internet of any reference to his attempts at starring in a movie version of Our Town, but this new movie where he fights witches is going to set back Vin Diesel fans about 10 years.


You know who I blame for this crap? Harry Potter fans!

That’s right! We wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for the popularity of Harry Potter and stupid magic in mainstream genre movies. I’ve got a number of issues with this generation of wimpy fans that I believe have led to this crap-travesty of a movie called The Last Witch Hunter:

1) Binge-reading

– university English majors can binge-read all they want but when your average person started to think binge-reading was cool, since they just had to get through these all-important Harry Potter novels so quickly, that was a problem because then people with an average level of intelligence started to think they were smart.

An entire generation then thought magic was as cool as the legitimately awesome super-heroes and sci-fi that the previous generation grew up learning about through comic books and action figures. We all knew that magic was lame back then, but these binge-reading Harry Potter fans forced themselves into the conversation on what was bad-ass with a bunch of big words we didn’t understand, and the end result is that we’re being robbed of seeing a string of great movies where Vin Diesel can indiscriminately just fight stupid monsters for no reason.

2) Magic

– Magic is boring. Sorry to break it to you but that’s some soft shit. Instead of having powers from like a space rock or an experiment gone wrong, magic is this wispy feminine force endowed on people who read a lot. Again, I hate to be politically incorrect here, but a guy in a fancy suit or cloak waving around a wand is not bad ass, it’s girly. Is it wrong for boys to want to have boys stuff?

Instead now we’ve got a whole generation of guys tip-toe-ing around reading rhymes from a book and making sparkles fly out of a big long stick, and this doesn’t really look cool to a dude like me who had a Punisher poster on his wall during elementary school in the 80s. This is why we’re stuck with Vin Diesel having to struggle with all his might to toughen being some kind of super magician in a magic movie rather than just simply playing the actual Punisher.

3) Dorks

– Harry Potter looks like a dork. A skinny white kid in glasses and a moo-moo is like the legit scientific inverse to Vin Diesel’s Riddick character from Pitch Black. Riddick brutally fights a race of deadly alien monsters using his massive muscles and guns, whereas a dork like Harry Potter has to spend a bunch of time thinking his way out of conflicts before just wishing magical puffs of smoke to happen to his enemies (who are just like his friends in some kind of misunderstanding) while he stands there in some kind of impromptu wind storm. This is how a dork fights. Hello – Vin Diesel breaks a neck with his bare hands!

So as a Vin Diesel fan I just don’t want to see him fight “witches” or anything else magical or lame. We get it, you can’t make a Fast & Furious movie every 6 months, but still, c’mon… witches? Unless them witches are at a late night underground techno drag race in a thong, then there is no way I’m watching this crap!

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