Why Would I Watch This Crap? – Crimson Peak

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No way I’m getting suckered into this one.

You’ve gotta be nervous when the ad campaign visually tries to sell a movie like some kind of jump-scare, creature effects-filled, gore-style Halloween horror movie, and yet all the interviews and text about the movie they have to constantly preface you that this is NOT horror but a “gothic romance”.

Yeah, nothing like sitting down to watch American Horror Story and it turns out to be Gray’s Anatomy. Great move Del Torro!

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That’s pretty much this director’s move. Advertise one geek-heavy feature to get them into the theatre and then go ahead and fill his crap with cheesy melodramatic bullshit. Those Hellboy movies were like this, made you think you were going to see a super-hero action movie and then it’s just a lot of talking and romance, Pan’s Labyrinth looked like it was going to be a surreal horror movie but was more Sound of Music than Mulholland Drive, and the worst offender of all, that fucking piece of shit Pacific Rim!

Oh god, don’t get me started on that… oops, too late!

Pacific Rim was the most horrendous example of the “show everything” trailer strategy. A 2 hour movie that featured about 10 minutes of (cheap-ass nighttime) CGI robots that gave away the ‘money shot’ of every big scene using those robots in the trailer. Then they went and spliced in 1 hour 50 minutes of some of the worst storytelling and acting possible.

That manipulative crap even worked to some degree. There are a lot of these geeks out there who were tricked into thinking a giant robot movie with lots of talking somehow means it was a “smart”. These same idiots shit all over the Michael Bay giant robot Transformer movies because they think the “story” is lame (…because there’s not enough talking??) despite the fact that these movies will fill 2 1/2 hours with about 90 minutes of pure robot insanity that you couldn’t boil down into a 2 minute trailer if you tried.

So bring on Transformers 5 to give me another dizzying headache from over-action because I’m not going to be bored into another Guillermo del Toro coma. It’s clear the man is not making another Blade II anytime soon. And Crimson Peak, you are no Blade II.

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