NFL Week 4 – The Loser Review

With Week 4 of the NFL 2015-16 season officially over and done with, it’s time to scoop out the turds in the litter box of the football world and smell the losers of the week for all their putridness.

Let’s start with the most obvious: London, England

The NFL played another game at Wembley Stadium in London last weekend in the most confusing attempt at expansion since the NHL had regular season games in Japan. Only, the NFL keeps this up every year, and as usual they sent over the dud teams. Burn!

Why are NFL games being played in London again? We’re talking about England, right? They call soccer “football” and American football “gridiron”, and I’m sure that how we call gridiron “football” and English football “soccer” is just as confusing to them. Can’t be as confusing as trying to understand and NFL game though. No offence, but going from soccer to football has got to be like tic-tac-toe to Risk.

So let’s be clear, they can’t put an NFL team in Toronto, the 5th largest city in North America, or Los Angeles, the 2nd largest city in the US, both places that love football and desperately want a team, but they can put one in another continent and time zone? Of course, we all know the reason for this British invasion must be money. The NFL would probably put a team in North Korea if they could find a bank to accept all that counterfeit US cash that would have to be used to pay for those tickets.

So congrats London, you’re being used as a leveraging tool to hike domestic tickets prices and franchise worth and all you got out of it last week was a shitty Jets vs. Dophins match… hey London, you’re losers!

 Pic Dave Shopland/NFL UK
Hey look, it’s the NFL in North Kor… I mean, London!

How about those Houston Texans?

Not much of a bigger loser than the Texans in Week 4. A 48-21 loss, ouch! And those 21 points they scored came in 4th quarter garbage time too.

I have no pity for these losers just because of that horrible team name. The ‘Texans’? The team is named after the peoples of the state. They should just lose on principle until they come up with something better. Would we suffer the Chicago Illinoians, Indianapolis Indianans, or the London Englanders? Never!

texans
Looks more like the Houston Chastity Belts to me!

Hey Houston… you’re losers!

Almost as bad this week though were the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Never trust a game to your kicker, especially one with a cartoon side-kick name like Scobee. This dude missed 2 field goals so badly that by the end of the game the Steelers were just going for it on 4th down rather than sending him back out there to kick. 

Hey Scobee and the Steelers, guess what? You lost… losers!

And now the losers who didn’t even lose, the Seattle Seahawks!

In yesterday’s Monday Night game, the Seahawks looked bad and in the final minute of the game, the sad-sack Detroit Lions were about to run it in for a game-winning touchdown.

And then this happened:

And Seattle wins! Amazing, right? Wrong! Turns out when that Seahawk tapped the ball out of bounds at the end it was a violation and the Lions should have gotten the ball back. The referees missed it and Seattle got the victory.

You might have won that game by accident by Seattle, but you’re the real losers!

I mean, can you imagine if the Patriots won a game like that? There would be riots in the street that look like a London NFL pep rally!

Speaking of the Patriots, this week Tom Brady

… well, he didn’t even play. The Patriots had a “Bye” week after just playing 3 games. I guess even the best need a rest. Tom Brady, take all the time you need because you are definitely NOT a loser!

bradysleep

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