Why Would I Watch This Crap? – The Martian

At Dr. Loser we like to review the piece of crap movies that we’re never going to watch!

Sometimes you just know a movie is going to suck. What ingredients make for a shitty movie? That’s a tough one to answer. That’s why so many people end up watching terrible movies and feeling bad about themselves afterwards. Amazingly, after spending so much time consuming pop culture, we here at Dr. Loser have developed a sense to determine what will be crap without having to see it first. It’s a gift.

This week’s piece of crap is The Martian, another Ridley Scott snore-fest about the most insignificant red herring of modern times: Mars.

Who knew that non-story about kind of finding water on Mars that I talked about earlier this week was actually just an elaborate product placement from some lame science movie.

nasapc

If you saw the trailer then you’ve pretty much got this one figured out – astronaut stuck on Mars, using his smarts he learns how to survive, people are sad yet inspired back home at the space station by his will to live, until some unexpected variable screws everything up and he’s got to start all over again… blah blah blah. If a movie like this is supposed to make you feel so good about the triumph of the human spirit, then how come that trailer makes me sick to my stomach?

Seriously, what is the deal with Mars anyways? I don’t think another subject has made for such lame movies: The Red Planet, Mission to Mars, Ghosts of Mars, Doom, John Carter and even Total Recall. C’mon, you know that one starts to get a bit lame as soon as Arnold goes to Mars. 

The moon is right across the street and no one seems to care? And yet all the great movies come from there: 2001 – A Space Odyssey , Thunderpants, Moon, Transformers: Dark of the freaking Moon! Everyone always wants what they can’t have. That poor moon is like the old spouse NASA settled for and Mars is a hot flirty model that they met during a mid-life crisis. 

And how about this Ridley Scott these days? He seems about as thirsty as that Jimmy Page is to find some late-in-life commercial relevance. Let’s make a movie from last year’s best-selling novel. Let’s start a cinematic universe around Blade Runner. Hey, how about 3 more movies based on that piece of shit Prometheus? You know he’s got that script for Gladiator 2 still sitting on his desk somewhere, right on top of his Black Hawk Down TV series pitch for AMC.

gladiator2

Part of me is just annoyed by the idea of space travel turning out to be such a letdown in my lifetime. When I was a kid there was a promise that we’d be flying in cars to malls on the moon by this point, but instead I need to care about some moss maybe growing on Mars that I would need to fly in history’s greatest rocket for 4 years just to see, an adventure from which I could never return. And then another part of me just has no patience for stories about space that don’t contain any spaceships with lasers, gore-tastic monsters or hot alien women of bizarrely exotic colours.

If you like reality so much Hollywood, here’s a pitch for you: man writes lone blog in the vastness of a blogging social media landscape. Stranded with so few readers, his fantastic blog provides him with no means to feed his family. Finally the man sells his blog to a giant media conglomerate … who lied to him and are secretly using his blog to… slap, club, muzzle, lock-up… where were we, oh yeah, he sells that blog and is able to retire happily on a beachy resort. Of course, we’d be willing to throw in guns, robots and sex if any producers are seriously interested.      

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2 thoughts on “Why Would I Watch This Crap? – The Martian

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