With Week 3 of the NFL 2015-16 season officially over and done with, it’s time to herd the losers of the week into a big hog pen so we can fling all kinds of shit in their faces.
Let’s start with the most obvious: Fans of child-beater Adrian Peterson
To all those in attendance at Vikings stadium in Minneapolis chanting “AP! AP!” as the once vilified Adrian Peterson ran over a line while carrying a ball, you should be forced to take that Game of Thrones walk of ‘shame’!
Of course, these are probably the same people who were so quick to jump on the ‘deflate-gate’ bandwagon and label the Patriots and Tom Brady cheaters. Except there is no evidence in that case, while there is plenty of physical, sickening proof that Peterson stuffed his 4-year-old son’s mouth with leaves before beating him bloody with tree branch. To be fair, he did confess via text message that he felt bad for cracking the kid in “the nuts” while he was “tearing that ass up” so I guess he’s not that bad of a guy, right?
So for all those people cheering and chanting “AP”: Woo-who, you won a game… thanks to a child abuser… you losers!
Speaking of people taking abuse, hello fans of the Cleveland Browns
Those Browns have got to be the most straight up jinxed franchise in the entire NFL. Every year it’s one hard luck story or fluke game ending after another. And when the Browns drafted Johnny “Football” Manziel last year, the frat-boy-esque headline grabber seemed to be just another in a long line of dopey decisions since being gifted back into into the league after the original owner moved the team to Baltimore seemingly just because he hated the city of Cleveland.
No one was surprised when on the first drive of the first game of the season when the Brown’s lame-ass starting QB went down with a concussion and they had to call in the groan-inducing Johnny Football… only no one expected him to be awesome! And in Week 2 he did it again, only this time he actually helped the Browns win a game – not lose at the last moment by accident – but really, seriously win.
So what does the team decide to do in Week 3 once the original starting QB is healthy again… yup, you can see how this one is going to end. Hey Browns, put Manziel back in you losers!
How about all those 3-0 Teams
There are 7 undefeated teams after Week 3 so that means there are a whole lot of big fat losers out there! Great work NFL, we know how badly you wanted to keep down the Patriots for fear of their dynasty status fucking up your “Any Given Sunday” parity nonsense.
I realise it’s good (in theory) to have every game feel important, especially when you get to the end of the season and teams still want to fill the stands with 80,000 people paying out the ass to see Tampa Bay vs. Detroit. I know the solution to this… more games in England!
Anyways, it’s good for fragile QBs like Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers to have a great record coming down the stretch since they always seem to need to sit out a few games before the play-offs in order to rest. How could they do that if they were 8-8?
So hey 25 other NFL teams… you’re losers!
And now we come to Tom Brady
No, not Brady! never… push, muffle, tie, tie, gag…
Sorry about that… Okay, then, fine. I guess Brady went and had another fantastic week. We don’t know how he does it, but god bless you Tom Brady and don’t ever stop, you sir are a bonafide winner!