NFL Week 3 – The Loser Review

With Week 3 of the NFL 2015-16 season officially over and done with, it’s time to herd the losers of the week into a big hog pen so we can fling all kinds of shit in their faces.

Let’s start with the most obvious: Fans of child-beater Adrian Peterson

To all those in attendance at Vikings stadium in Minneapolis chanting “AP! AP!” as the once vilified Adrian Peterson ran over a line while carrying a ball, you should be forced to take that Game of Thrones walk of ‘shame’!


Of course, these are probably the same people who were so quick to jump on the ‘deflate-gate’ bandwagon and label the Patriots and Tom Brady cheaters. Except there is no evidence in that case, while there is plenty of physical, sickening proof that Peterson stuffed his 4-year-old son’s mouth with leaves before beating him bloody with tree branch. To be fair, he did confess via text message that he felt bad for cracking the kid in “the nuts” while he was “tearing that ass up” so I guess he’s not that bad of a guy, right?

So for all those people cheering and chanting “AP”: Woo-who, you won a game… thanks to a child abuser… you losers!

Speaking of people taking abuse, hello fans of the Cleveland Browns

Those Browns have got to be the most straight up jinxed franchise in the entire NFL. Every year it’s one hard luck story or fluke game ending after another. And when the Browns drafted Johnny “Football” Manziel last year, the frat-boy-esque headline grabber seemed to be just another in a long line of dopey decisions since being gifted back into into the league after the original owner moved the team to Baltimore seemingly just because he hated the city of Cleveland.

No one was surprised when on the first drive of the first game of the season when the Brown’s lame-ass starting QB went down with a concussion and they had to call in the groan-inducing Johnny Football… only no one expected him to be awesome! And in Week 2 he did it again, only this time he actually helped the Browns win a game – not lose at the last moment by accident – but really, seriously win.

So what does the team decide to do in Week 3 once the original starting QB is healthy again… yup, you can see how this one is going to end. Hey Browns, put Manziel back in you losers!


How about all those 3-0 Teams

There are 7 undefeated teams after Week 3 so that means there are a whole lot of big fat losers out there! Great work NFL, we know how badly you wanted to keep down the Patriots for fear of their dynasty status fucking up your “Any Given Sunday” parity nonsense.

I realise it’s good (in theory) to have every game feel important, especially when you get to the end of the season and teams still want to fill the stands with 80,000 people paying out the ass to see Tampa Bay vs. Detroit. I know the solution to this… more games in England!

Anyways, it’s good for fragile QBs like Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers to have a great record coming down the stretch since they always seem to need to sit out a few games before the play-offs in order to rest. How could they do that if they were 8-8?

So hey 25 other NFL teams… you’re losers!

And now we come to Tom Brady

No, not Brady! neverpush, muffle, tie, tie, gag…

Sorry about that… Okay, then, fine. I guess Brady went and had another fantastic week. We don’t know how he does it, but god bless you Tom Brady and don’t ever stop, you sir are a bonafide winner!

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady speaks at Salem State University in Salem, Massachusetts, May 7, 2015.  REUTERS/Charles Krupa/Pool ORG XMIT: BKS06
Salem, Massachusetts, May 7, 2015. REUTERS/Charles Krupa/Pool ORG XMIT: BKS06

2 thoughts on “NFL Week 3 – The Loser Review

  1. I see another “I love Brady” from Dr Loser. How can you not know how he keeps winning. Cheater Cheater pumpkin eater. Spy Gate (way worse then we knew about and yes other teams did too) Deflategate it was done and against the rules. There was no smoking gun but come on man. Patriots are so good at cheating they can cover anything up. I look forward to the next Patriot scandal this year! AS for Manziel START HIM!!

    1. We here at Protracted De-Media begrudgingly accept the “I love Brady” stance of the Dr. Loser character… for now.

      However, if you don’t want to accept our propaganda at least acknowledge the one that you do TimboAce5. ESPN is but a corporate shill for the NFL and if your main source for Deflategate and Spygate is coming from those phoney sponsored articles (as it must be since that’s the only place this info is being “leaked” to) then I’ve got a Creative Writing PhD program I’d like to sell you on!

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