At Dr. Loser we like to review the piece of crap movies that we’re never going to watch!
Sometimes you just know a movie is going to suck. What ingredients make for a shitty movie? If that that was easy to answer then so many people wouldn’t end up watching terrible movies and feeling bad about themselves afterwards. Amazingly, after spending a soul-crushing amount of time consuming pop culture, we here at Dr. Loser have developed a special sense that helps us determine what will be crap without having to see it first. It’s a gift.
This week’s piece of crap is that self-congratulatory biopic Straight Outta Compton from headphone mogul Dr. Dre and Hollywood B-lister IceCube about the time they spent as rappers in Public Enemy.
Oh no, wait, they were in N.W.A., right… I almost forget, because from the promotion for this movie you’d think they were the Martin Luther King of rap, when they weren’t even Malcolm X. At best they were Dolemite, at worst they were Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo. I mean, this song was on the Straight Outta Compton album, we remember this, right?
That’s some biting political commentary. And, seriously, ‘Fuck Tha Police’ should be a song that reminds us all how GREAT the police are considering the criminal nonsense N.W.A. was talking about getting up to in most of their body of work. Are we really championing the cries of unfair treatment from dudes who describe with such glee the steps it takes to break into your house or date rape women at gun point? God bless the police!
That being said, there could still probably be a good movie in there somewhere, there’s just no way it’s going to be made by the guy who directed The Interrogator and produced by a billionaire board member at Apple who is now more famous for his revolutionary product placement strategy than creating anything artistic. If you sat through this movie then I guarantee you were somehow subliminally indoctrinated to want those ugly ass Beats despite the movie takes place like 15 years before they were ever invented.
That’s what you get when you produce your own biopic I guess. The world is against you but you eventually break though because you’re a GENIUS! And hell, let’s throw in some car chases too.
Honestly, I don’t ever want to see any biopics. Real people are not interesting enough for a movie. We all know life is boring. They’ve always got to go and exaggerate everything so that it looks cool up on the big screen. Just give me Transformers then if you’re going to make up a bunch of crap. So this can be your first rule of watching movies from Dr. Loser: if it’s about a real person, commence the cursin’. Unless it’s Private Parts… or 127 Hours… or Machine Gun Preacher… or Scarface… or The Wolf of Wall Street… or The Transporter… but you get my point.
That being said, I’m currently working on the script for Dr. Loser – The Movie, and it’s not going to be lame like Straight Outta Compton at all. Because Dr. Loser, now that’s fake doctor who really did something with his life.