The Empire Recap for Losers Who Don’t Watch Empire – Season 2, Episode 1

At Dr. Loser we’re dedicated to watching the cool TV shows this new fall season, while those of you who think you have “better things to do” can feel free to come here the next day and keep yourselves updated with what’s really important.

This week we’re looking at last night’s new episode of Empire!

empire

Why you should watch Empire: What else are you going to watch? Survivor? C’mon, watching real people pretend to fight and scheme can’t ever be as good as watching pretend people really fight and scheme, right? Isn’t that what pro-wrestling has taught us after all these years? And look at that picture, ain’t nobody on Survivor ever getting that close to a lion.

Empire seems to be the perfect combination of many great TV shows of the past: the pop-in one-liner insults from Married… with Children, unbelievable cliffhangers at every commercial break like on 24, the surreal narcissistic glee of Get A Life! (that’s right, I’m only referencing other shows that were on FOX, just like Empire, since – full disclosure – Rupert Murdoch might just own shares in Dr. Loser parent company Protracted De-Media™)

What Empire is all about: you’ve got a murdering criminal mastermind in charge of a billion dollar media ‘empire’ founded off the R&B/Hip-Hop hits he supposedly had back in the 90s. He was only ever able to get the money to start that company from his South Philly housing project because his wife was selling drugs for him, that was until she got caught in a sting operation and was sent to prison for 17 years. Of course, she only just got out and is back looking for her piece of the company, has retained her impeccable ear for producing music, and wants to reconnect with her three sons: the tough gay one, the sissy rapper one, and the MBA psycho. Last season, this criminal mastermind found out he was dying and decided to pit all of his family members against each other in order to determine which one should take over the business after he’s gone. Surprisingly it was the gay son who eventually stepped-up to save the company despite being throw into a garbage can as a child by his homophobe father for wearing his mother’s high heels at a party. 

What happened this week that you need to know about: First of all, the show started with a woman in a gorilla suit dancing in a cage. Let me repeat, a woman in a gorilla suit dancing in a cage. Gif!

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Giphy

Then, of course, there as the background cameo of one Petey Pablo.

peteypablo

Now that’s a name you should remember because he was on the (losing) Morris Brown side of the climactic battle of the bands at the end of Drumline. Video!

Then there was a lesbian Marisa Tomei who seduced the straight woman who had sex with her own fiancé’s son last season to presumably have sex with her in order to secure the money for a hostile takeover of the Empire company stock, as was represented by this begrudging booty dance… Gif!

giphy

And if you ever wanted to understand why Chris Rock’s acting career keeps tanking then you got the perfect example on this episode as he made an appearance as a gangster boss with a wooden delivery and stiff posture that made the slick drawl and limping swagger of the show’s main characters look almost Brandonian (don’t worry, no video of Chris Rock in action need be included).

So yeah… Empire Season 2 is under way! America’s most beloved show about “family”, not to be confused with that other top-rated family drama The Walking Dead. What happened to the days when being all about family had less decapitations, drug-running, gang beatings, the undead and just plain struggling to stay alive… Thanks a lot Obama!

family ties

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