A sure fire way to be a loser is to have a totally lame opinion. In my original blog post on the qualities that make me write like a loser, I explained that my opinions are always too extreme – everything is either the greatest thing ever or the complete worst thing in history. This makes for boring writing and today I’m going to introduce a new exercise that is going to help us all grapple with the problem of opinion.
I’m not saying that having a strong opinion is bad, but everything can’t just be hot and cold all the time or else no one is going to care what you have to say. You gotta be unique, but that’s difficult to do when you’re always writing all alone, so it’s good to see what other people are writing and try to be different.
Therefore, this week I called on the some of my faithful readers to help with this task. First there is my biggest fan (what’s this guy’s problem?) Eric, who has been posting his own takes on my new writing exercises over at his own Just Eric WordPress blog (“imitation is…”). Then there is the lovely Jee Young (muh-wah) whose comments at the bottom of my article on Holding your Breath and Writing to the Death were touching and creative. And then there is PhatDog, the apparent jerky troll who stalks my blog and writes goofy comments like “keep it real” in the comments on my The Only Rule is There are No Rules post, but who I also believe to be the proprietor of the totally cool Just Seoul ‘street novel’ blog (although he’ll never admit it). They have all agreed to take part in a little exercise I call:
3, 2, 1 – Write!
In this activity there will be 3 rounds. In each round, the writers will be asked to give an opinion to a question with a writerly constraint. In the 1st round you can only use 1 word, in the 2nd round you can only use 1 sentence, and the 3rd round requires 1 paragraph. The catch is, at the end of each round the writer with the lamest opinions will be eliminated, and since this is my blog I will also be the final judge. I will try my best to be impartial, but these guys better bring it!
Round 1 = Words
Give one word to describe your perfect moment.
Jee Young = Sunset
PhatDog = Blunt
Eric = Happy
Dr. Loser = Sleeping
What is the most important thing in the world?
Jee Young = Love
PhatDog = Pussy
Eric = Internet
Dr. Loser = Creativity
What do you hope your final word will be?
Jee Young = Wow
Phatdog = Whatever
Eric = Live
Dr. Loser = No
Verdict: I think it’s fair to say that the “loser” here is Eric. Sorry buddy, just too cheesy as usual. No offence, but you’re just not a guy with a strong opinion.
Round 2 = Sentences
Is there a god?
PhatDog = Hell no, of course there ain’t no god!
Jee Young = I don’t want to say that there is a specific god, like the Christian or Muslim god, there are too many religions out there to be able to say for certain that one of them is definitely right; however, I believe there is some kind of energy out there, maybe not a man, but a power that is the reason for all of this.
Dr. Loser = There must be a God because there is no way all the terrible stuff can happen on earth (especially to me) by coincidence, somebody up there has got to be orchestrating this nonsense, there is no other explanation.
What kind of music do you think is the best?
PhatDog = Obviously it’s rap, it’s not even close, because Rap doesn’t need those stupid instruments just some talented dude and a voice with skills, that’s real and raw.
Jee Young = I like all kinds of music, including jazz, rock, hip-hop, R&B, and country, so there are too many great genres to choose just one but if I have to then it would be pop music because that encompasses aspects from all the different styles and makes them accessible and enjoyable to a wider audience.
Dr. Loser = Nothing beats the oldies for the best music style of music, because all you have to do is turn on any oldies radio station and you’re going to hear the greatest stuff from Motown to Elvis, Neil Diamond and the British Invasion, but somehow it all has that same great positive baby boomer vibe.
Verdict: Jee Young, as much as I enjoy you as a person, I’m afraid you are the loser here. I think your statements here are just too generic and boring and that makes talking to you a bit awkward as well. Whereas PhatDog may come across like an arrogant a-hole, I can’t deny that he’s got some interesting opinions and is definitely the best challenge for me in the final round.
Round 3 = Paragraph
If Tom Brady, Leonardo DiCaprio & The Rock walk into a room, who is the ultimate alpha male and why?
PhatDog = Obviously, the winner is The Rock. First of all, it can’t be that Leonardo DiCaprio, that kid ain’t shit son, I don’t care how many hot chicks he banged, he’s a little fucking twerp who looks like a girl. Just because he’s like money at the box office doesn’t mean he’s better than the other guys. I even heard that The Rock had like the most money out of any actor in 2013, what was DiCaprio even in, that stupid Gatsby movie? That guy sucks. Tom Brady, what the hell, did you just choose like the lamest fucks on earth or what, that Brady is an ugg boot wearing, permed out, wanna be Peyton Manning, who only wins because of his coach and defence. He’s not even the best quarterback, obviously Rodgers is better, and is banging that Olivia Munn these days, so he should be on this list not Brady. The Rock is the man, the guy talks about eating poontang on TV, what more could you want? And his name is not a name, but just a rock, that’s cool. If you forget the kids movies he’s made, then pretty much all he’s ever done is make bad ass movies where he fuck’s shit up, talks a ton of shit, and is just all around buff and dangerous looking. The Rock would walk in that room and look at those two pretty motherfuckers, laugh and then forget they were even there 10 seconds later, he is the man!
Dr. Loser = This is a tough question, one that I think about often, and the conclusion that I normally come to is that Leonardo DiCaprio is the true alpha male in this situation… sadly. Of course, as a huge WWE fan my first instinct is to say The Rock. He is definitely the coolest of the three options, the biggest and the most intense, however he did leave the WWE to try and be a movie star, and that makes him kind of a wanna-be compared to the other two. Sure, he’s succeeded in many ways, but he still does have to make movies that are ensembles or franchises and I don’t think that’s as good as just being the greatest pro-wrestler on earth, which he could be if he’d stuck around. On the other hand, Tom Brady is the greatest football quarterback of his generation, the premiere position in all professional sports, he has the highlight reel championship plays, rock-star good looks, and hot model wife, everything you should need to be the ultimate alpha-male. But when he walks into a room with Leonardo DiCaprio, he’s gonna know that Hollywood brat banged his wife, Brazilian super-model Giselle, when she was in her prime. Sure, Brady may actual “love” Giselle for real, but if he said that out loud compared to what DiCaprio must have done to her, he’s is just gonna to sound like a bit of a loser on the dude-scale. Leo’s ability to recycle through gorgeous young models and actresses with such ease, along with his power to pick and choose his marquee movie projects, are two qualities coveted by these other dudes, and therefore when they are in a room together, DiCaprio is the alpha – of this there can be no debate.
Verdict: And the winner is… well, of course it’s me but PhatDog gave it his best, but in the end he’s just too much of a phoney.
Thanks to all who played along… and now you can NOT write like a loser too! Join in on the fun and and show me the results in the comments section below.