First of all, I’m not a writer.
I mean, I’m not a professional writer. I’ve actually paid to write everything I’ve ever written, including all the stuff I submitted at various stages of higher learner, that movie I wrote in the screenwriting workshop I attended, and even every word of this blog so far.
So I’m a writer with no fame, no wealth, no fans, no reputation, no notoriety, no awards, no praise, no real work to show for it, and no PhD, so then why the hell would I continue to spend so much time writing?
Is it fun? Not really. There must be so many better ways to have fun than sitting in a room alone for hours typing words on a computer. Even reading has got to be more fun than writing, and everyone knows how boring that can be! I mean, c’mon, all the gruelling revising of each sentence (hell, each word) can be so monotonously frustrating that in the end you are just happy to be done no matter how good it turns out to be.
Yet amazingly, everyone is writing these days! Thanks to social networking, websites, blogs and messaging apps, more people must write more stuff today than in the history of forever. But are all these civilians officially considered writers? In my opinion, hell no.
A ‘writer’ must be completely tortured and miserable. They should be engaged with the act of writing like they are trying to bandage up their slit wrists in a bathtub or cut themselves free of the noose they are hanging from in their basement. Writing is for desperate, lonely and ridiculous idiots who in no way should be sharing their thoughts with the outside world. A published author isn’t really writing either, although I’m sure this makes them feel vindicated for all that hard work, but once you get paid to do something it is your job and if writing is your job then you are no better than a garbage man or teacher (no offence).
A real writer writes for some very specific reasons and I will now outline these according to my authority as a fully accredited loser at the game. And this will be accompanied by some simple rules you can follow if you want to try and become a writer just like me!
Reason – To pretend to be someone else
Life sucks. Obviously. I’m sure you didn’t have to fail your PhD after 8 years of insane effort to agree with me on that one. And so how do you get away from all the horror of reality?
Well, you could watch TV shows as most people do. However, as a passive viewer you are too far removed from the creative process, and no matter how great the show or event might be you will eventually realise that you are sitting there watching this crap and slowly wasting away. And sure, maybe you can go out on the street and pretend you are one of the Power Rangers after a marathon watching session but that doesn’t make you feel any better about life when you are being openly mocked and harassed for dressing like a motocross competitor and swinging toy sword-guns at imaginary monsters. Trust me!
But writing is a safe place where you can pretend to be someone else without all the ridicule you’d get in the real world. You can be someone heroic or evil, do triumphant or meaningless things, and there is no actual consequence. Even if you want to write about something as banal and embarrassing as jerking off alone in the dark that is still nowhere near as pathetic as actually jerking off alone in the dark. That’s the real you and that’s not cool.
So, here is Rule #1 for becoming a writer: don’t like yourself.
Reason – To impress girls
Nothing is going to impress girls more than saying you are a writer. Even if you are just a fake, non-professional like myself, you’ve still got to figure that girls think writing is somehow a deep and noble pursuit. Of course, no one accused girls of being interested in reality and that’s the beauty of it: girls are impressed by phoney bullshit!
Honestly, I won’t admit to really understanding girls at all but I’m pretty sure I know how dudes think since I am one, and we all like bad-ass super athletes like The Rock or Tom Brady, loveable take-no-shit big-talkers like Howard Stern or Louis CK, and we’ll even grudgingly except pretty boys like Leonardo DiCaprio and Derek Jeter because they bang hot chicks and don’t apologise for it. But when it comes to writers, no dude cares about such a lame and effeminate past time.
And I’m not going to be bold enough to say that I’ve ever actually impressed any women by pretending to be a professional writer. I’ve got too much working against me, from this face to the nonsense that comes out of my mouth to be able to rely on something as gimmicky as that to get laid. So this is for all you half-handsome fucks in the audience, Rule #2: write all the lovey-dovey sensitive shit you want because girls will like it and guys will understand why you’re doing it.
Reason – To express your feelings
Ha Ha! Just kidding… if you’re writing to express your “feelings” then you are officially a douche!
Oh god… okay fine, I’ll cut the fake bravado for a moment and tell you all the truth. Let me explain why I have spent over 4 weeks presenting this completely passive-aggressive wanna-be ‘Dr. Loser’ persona, and that’s really because I just want to open up about my feelings and let out all the darkness and pain from my past.
I think it at all really does goes back to my childhood. I remember being the last kid on my street who was still riding a tricycle. There were younger kids than me and even girls who’d already moved onto a regular bicycle but I kept tagging along behind in my tricycle. Then one day all the kids on the block lured me down the street and waited behind a wall, then when I got there they all began sining “I want to ride my tricycle!” to the tune of that Queen song (a band I’ve never been able to appreciate since). I triked home in tears. I wanted so badly to be part of the group but I wasn’t good enough. And that’s why I’ve always sought out the acceptance of others and avoided potentially humiliating social situations.
Ah-Ha-Ha! Just joking! As if that’s for real (… yeah, as if…)
Rule #3: if you’re going to express your feelings then you’re a douche. Write about monsters or kung fu instead.
Reason – To legitimise the cool things you are into
The online world has pretty much just become a battle of Top 10 lists at this point. These lists have created a phantom canon of cool things that are now being legitimised the same way only academics were able to do in the past with the actual ‘canon’. Today, people everywhere recognise that Primer is one of the best time travel movies of all time, Ric Flair vs. Ricky Steamboat from the Chi-Town Rumble is one of the greatest wrestling matches ever, and the Geto Boys first album is a bonafide rap music classic. These things are officially canon now not because they were written about in some pompous Rolling Stone Magazine article but because somebody went out and wrote their own Top 10 list online and angrily argued about how right they are and how wrong everyone else is.
Or maybe you prefer to just drone on about the things you are super-interested in with long blocks of prose (like in a blog). This is still so much better than just talking about it to someone. Even if barely anyone will actually read this, it has been written, saved and thus becomes sacred text. You don’t know anymore now than the apostles knew hundreds of years ago that people in the future will create societies based on your writing. You’ve declared your arrogant point of view and now it’s up to the historians to decide if that’s important.
Rule #4: constantly rank all the things that you think are cool while violently dismissing that anything else is even remotely as good.
Reason – To unlock the secret of the universe
Sounds crazy, right? But it’s true, I’ve discovered the answer to the questions that have plagued philosophers and drunken fools for ages, and this should be the biggest motivator for anyone looking to spend time writing, not fame or wealth or even artistic satisfaction, but the meaning of life.
Believe it or not, learning the truth about the universe all comes down to the purest form of writing: freewriting. This act of complete abstract, stream-of-consciousness is the closet thing you can get to seeing tangible proof that existence is all just random contents in some cosmic dumpster. All you have to do is start writing and don’t stop. Don’t take a break, don’t correct yourself, don’t fix your grammar, don’t even try to make coherent sense. Just write exactly what you’re thinking at that moment. Getting into a freewriting trance is a better indicator of your health and well-being than the results of a full medical check, a psychological examination, or a full-sized photo of you naked. Freewriting is like orgasming, having a child and dying all at the same time. If you can freewrite effectively then you can experience true urban enlightenment.
Let me show you:
If you write enough for long enough without stopping just typing or handwriting even if that’s what you’d rather do then something will happen as you keep writing the lights will become brighter in the sky which will be strange considering you are indoors but what I mean is that the more you write and the faster you write the more mistakes you will make and along with the makstikes you will start to then see what’s gonig on like coffee in a pot no water boiling in a pot to make coffee so that you will be abel to write longer and stay awake without falling asleep or getting bored of what you are writing is that my hair starting to get Bozo wings at the sides am I falling apart physically, what happened to my toe when I dropped my ipad on it 2 weeks ago, why are those levels I never finished on Bad Piggies so frustrating and can I do them without watching the answer on some youtube vortex, so many links upon links of videos to watch next and then again, I want to see that show no that video no that clip, when does it stop the music, what is my favourite album of all time is it the same at the best album of all time? This is an important question I must think about some more no write about it more!
Rule #5: Write whatever the fuck you want!
I’m not sure what was going on there, but the point I’m trying to make is that nonsense is the secret to everything. There is nothing profound about life or writing. Everything is just filler. Our stupid jobs and social lives are nonsensical pursuits for money or love, acceptance or power, raisins or grapes, whatever.
You have no free will because you are not doing anything of consequence. Whether the government is forcing you into some ideological framework or you live off the grid like some hippy mountain man, eventually it’s all nonsense. There is no pattern or meaning. You can spend years editing and re-writing words to get the perfect looking set of sentences in paragraphs on pages to produce the greatest novel of all time and someone is still going to think it’s shit, and that person is most likely going to be you because you know what kind of nonsense you started with in the first place.
That’s what you’re seeing with freewriting, the raw and exposed base quality of the conscious universe. And it looks plain stupid.
And guess what? It’s all going to end suddenly without any proper climax or meaning, just like that lame [Spoiler Alert] final episode of The Sopranos.
I shouldn’t have finished that sentence. That would have been much cooler, cheesier but cooler. Oh well, I can always try and not finish this sentence. Shit, I did it again. I ended that sentence with proper punctuation too. And again. All I want is to just have one broken, dangling, final sentence without any period at the end so I can make some grand point about the meaninglessness of life.
Damn, I can’t even do that write.
– Dr. Loser