Twitter Poems (Director’s Cut)

You’d think it would be easy to write something really short. 

For example, I’ve been trying to put together a quick and interesting opening line for this blog post about poems I wrote on Twitter for hours now and I keep coming up with garbage like this:

The dictionary defines Twitter as a social media website and app that connects you to friends, morons and sarcastic celebrities in a big stupid way to… 

I’m not going to say that Twitter is the greatest thing ever but…

The Twitter is new to me. I’m not exactly sure what it’s good for. Broadcasting little text messages out into the world and…

Why would I even show you that? To start out with this crap (even by admitting it’s rough work) goes against everything that I know is holy about writing. I imagine I just lost half of you to checking your text messages. Well, this is all an introduction to what I’m doing, bringing you into what goes on in the mind of a loser

As a new Twitter user I pretty quickly decided that I like it when people actually write something unique and not just replies to other tweets, re-tweets, or pointless death tributes. I mean those are fine in moderation, I’ve done them myself, but the best Twitter writers are those who are put something original out there without any strings attached.

Turns out I’m not so great at doing that or making witty observations about the outside world especially since I spend all day in my room, so my output on Twitter plays more to my personal strengths: writing sarcastic and dirty poems.

Therefore, what follows below is the collection of micro-poems I wrote all about the act of using Twitter while also conforming to the constraint of 140 characters (titles included). They come accompanied with a little bit of commentary here or there, and as a bonus treat I’ve thrown in some of the poems I deemed unworthy to grace Twitter proper just to give you an even darker look inside my befuddled brain.

Welcome now to the director’s cut of my #TwitterPoems!

The First Batch

#TwitterPoem 1

I have something to say
and it’s going to be really interesting
just let me think of it first.

I liked that this first poem was also as a call back to the very first Tweet that I wrote:

No doubt you can see the common theme here: loser writer who has no confidence but is still egotistical enough to call attention to that deficiency as a way to convey some emotional vulnerability. I suppose that’s my brand now.

#TwitterPoem 2

This poem has
140 characters exactly
and that’s why
I have to keep writing these extra words at the end to fill in the space

Post-modernism in the house! You know, it’s not easy to look sloppy, I must have re-written that last line dozens of times to try and get it just right.

Amazingly, this poem reminded a friend/follower of the star and screenwriter of the awesome movie UHF:

#TwitterPoem 3 – Following

If I follow that girl
will she think I’m a creep?
I’m going to tweet about this when I get home.

‘follow’… Get it?!

#TwitterPoem 4 – Jeans

Jeans way over there,
I wrote this tweet
in my underwear.

As spotted by one of my friends/followers Jeans was another callback, this time to a poem I wrote long ago:

Back in 2002 when I was lounging… I mean, studying in Australia I famously (to myself at least) penned a series of Beach Poems, one of which was the original ‘Jeans’ – a tiny poem so perfect in execution that no doubt I was possessed by the very gods of the beach on the day it was composed:


Jeans in a heap
into the water,
I leap.

Believe it or not but I’ve always been very torn about the proper placement of that comma. I’ve been back and forth for years on whether it should go after ‘heap’ or after ‘water’. Regardless, I’m convinced that a comma should go there somewhere.

You see, this is what goes on in my mind and the main reason why I can just sit at home and stare at a wall all night and never get bored. So if you ever drag me out to a coffee shop or restaurant, no offence, but this is the kind of thing that I’m really thinking about while you’re talking.

The Second Batch

That first batch was more of a general introduction to the poems I wanted to write, while this second group is a bit more of a response to some of the random nonsense you might see in the Twitter-verse.

#TwitterPoem 5 – Mean Tweet

Thumbs on the screen
getting ready to be mean
I’d apologize
but c’mon, did you see her fat thighs?

You gotta admit, these people online can sure be mean! Of course, I’m not like that at all…

#TwitterPoem 6 – Twitter Novel

Once upon a time
Stuff happens
The End

I’ve checked and there are ‘novels’ being written on Twitter in some way. In my opinion, their biggest problem is that they look upside down on the writer’s own Twitter page and unless you are following them from the beginning it doesn’t make any sense. So if your novel can’t fit into 140 characters, don’t waste your time.

#TwitterPoem 7 – Unfollow

unfollow, unfollow
unfollow, unfollow
unfollow, unfollow
(btw, that was a chick)

I’m not sure that this one really works in retrospect. The idea was that some loser guy was just following a bunch of other guys and is then going through his Followers list and getting rid of all those dudes. While doing that he comes across the one girl he actually does follow and of course wants to keep her. However, I guess a lonely losery guy would probably only be following a ton of hot chicks he doesn’t even know, so this really doesn’t make much sense. I do like the physical appearance of it though and think I tried to force the idea to match it. 

#TwitterPoem 8 – Rude Friend 

Typing on your phone
Hey jerk, you’re not alone
Did I just tweet that too?
Wow, now I’m a loser
just like you!

Nothing worse than meeting a friend who ends up typing away on their phone right in front of you. I would think it’s better to just pretend to be listening to someone rather than so blatantly ignoring them but I guess I’m the jerk, right?

The Deleted Batch

Here are a bunch that I just couldn’t get right. Was it a good idea to hold them back? Now you can be the judge!

#Twitter Poem – Die Reply

Where the hell are you guy?
Only take this long
to reply
if you died!

This one was pretty much just motivated by the fact that I always just find it funny when you call somebody “guy”… that never gets old!

#Twitter Poem – Comments

I have a comment…
this tweet sucks!

When I wrote this I guess I thought that replying to a tweet was ‘commenting’ but I was probably was confused with forum posting. Anyways, I couldn’t figure out how it matched to Twitter anymore.

#TwitterPoem – Stars

Stars up in the the sky
star under your tweet
please love me back

I may have done it myself many times already but there still is something pathetic about ‘favorite-ing’ another person’s tweet, so I was trying to combine that feeling with the desperation of writing a cheesy love poem.

#TwitterPoem – Hash Tag

4 lines, tic-tac-toe
I’ve got three Xs
but where does the O go?

Definitely my favourite from the deleted batch even though I’m still not sure what it even means.

The Third Batch

I put these out on the day after I was hit by the news that GWAR frontman (my favourite band of all time by the way) Dave ‘Odernus Urungus’ Brockie had died suddenly while sitting at his desk. While sitting at my desk and really only half alive as it is, I came up with these much more offensive pieces as a tribute to the genius of Oderus, a man-monster who broke every rule of good taste, never compromised, and blazed one fiery path to hell itself

With that I’ll let these last 4 speak for themselves.

#TwitterPoem 9 – Retweet

I’ll retweet you
if you retweet me
then I’ll comment on you pic
right after you tweet on my dick!

#TwitterPoem 10 – Who to follow

Recommended for me
Justin B, Miley C, Lena D, Kim K
What the hell, are all my friends gay?

#TwitterPoem 11 – Twitter Meal

Can I eat this tweet
with some salt & pepper
Still gotta taste better
than that shit my wife made for dinner

#TwitterPoem 12 – First Tweet, Last Tweet

Hey everyone, this is going to be fun!

Fuck all y’all, I’m done!


If you haven’t been following me on Twitter… well, then good, that means you probably have lots of actual interesting and important stuff to do with your time!

I used to be like that too and had no intention of ever getting into quote unquote social networking. I’m not even sure why I resisted so strongly, it just seemed like a dumb waste of time to me. 

Then I went and spent 8 years on a PhD and that’s something that I’m assuming most people would think is a great way to spend your time. Of course, I failed and pretty much proved that this was a truly monumental waste of time. So maybe I needed to give something like Twitter a fresh look. I mean, it’s not like I’m above wasting time. That’s my specialty!

And right now I’m about this close to starting a Facebook account. You’ve been warned.

-Dr. Loser

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