Following the failure of my PhD, I vowed to watch so much TV that I just vomit blood from my eyes.
However, the problem I’ve had recently while pursuing this quest is that I don’t want to become another one of these “binge-watching” douche-bags. As far as I’m concerned, people who binge-watch are such monumentally annoying posers that it’s very hard for me as a true lifelong TV super-fan to engage in such lame behaviour.
I get that these days there are some cases where television type programming is all released at once (shame on you Netflix for perpetrating this fad) but TV shows are a weekly serialised format and are meant to be watched that way.
This bravado that some people spout about being able to watch all of the episodes of a season in one long sitting insults me as someone who wasted most of his life watching TV in marathons sessions long before you were able to do it so easily. It’s because of the sacrifices of losers like me that binge-watchers even have the technology and opportunity to fit in a whole season of Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad between hipster wine bars or suburban key parties. The dedication and patience that it took to scour TV guides, sit through commercials, re-watch daily re-runs, set VCR timers, swap VHS tapes, and support good quality shows through the darks days of the TV 90s, is what paved the way for this generation of power programming.
The term “binge-watching” alone gives me douche-chills because it’s just a painted up way for wannabes to say “watch TV”. It’s all almost as sickening to me as when assholes started calling comic books “graphic novels.”
For example, every binge-watcher’s favourite TV show/comic book is The Walking Dead. This is NOT a graphic novel. It comes out every month in serialised 22 page(~ish) comic book instalments. If you read issues in collected editions (or trade paperbacks as they used to be called) then fine but that is not a quote-unquote graphic novel. People who say that are posers who don’t read comics regularly and are seemingly embarrassed to admit that they like what I can only assume they consider to be the childish aspects of comic books.
Binge-watchers are the same. They obviously don’t watch these shows when they come out regularly so what do they understand about the act of watching TV? They won’t do the hard work of discovering the good shows from all the shit out there by researching and watching for themselves, they just wait until someone else has determined what’s good and follow the crowd. This is the definition of a poser.
And yet here I am, trying to cram in a bunch of TV all at once. What I do to avoid becoming a complete binge-watching jerk-off is at least try to mix up my watching. I’ll program for myself little blocks where I will watch one drama, one comedy, some action, a cartoon and some wrestling, then take a break and watch more shuffled-up combos later.
Here are some of the things I’ve been cramming so far:
Justified Season 4
-you really can’t go wrong watching Raylan Givens swagger his way through another season of hillbilly schemes.
Cougar Town Season 5
-what used to be a Married… with Children style burn fest has become a bit too quaint recently with all these feel good moments.
Beauty and the Beast (new) Season 2
-still unclear what keeps me going back to this show about the best looking ugly beast ever and Lana from Smallville as an equally unconvincing hard-nosed New York cop.
Beware the Batman Season 1
-despite wanting to hate another re-booted Batman cartoon series, especially one that uses some of the weakest looking CGI animation I’ve ever seen, goddamn it but I actually started to like this show!
Brian Pillman Loose Cannon WWE DVD set
-the underrated superstar who died long before his time thrills in some great matches.
-try having that DVD case on your desk for weeks and NOT getting lost in those crazy eyes!
Black Sails Season 1
-the way I see it, you’ve got to give every show that airs on the Starz network a chance after they gave us the 4 seasons of the greatest television of all time (yes, I’m talking about Spartacus again!)… and while this pirate show doesn’t live up to that promise it does contain all the required swearing, violence and sex.
NBA 2014 Playoffs Round 1
– apparently this was the “best first round in NBA history”… well, all I know is that I had to see my least favourite team the Miami Heat be the only ones to sweep through the first round, and my all-time favourite team the Chicago Bulls absolutely decimated by of all teams the Washington Wizards?!
This is of course on top of a full slate of regular weekly TV programming that I have to keep up with. Never let it be said that the life of a loser isn’t hard work!