God Hates Us All

I have spent the past few months attempting a number of different projects following my complete lack of faith in the world after spending years on a PhD thesis that turned out to be a total waste of time

These projects have included the super innovative Live Novel-ing concept of writing every stage of a novel online for anyone to see, and some personal quests that involve exercise, playing video games, watching TV and listening to music, all things that I love doing, or need to do, so that I could bring a little bit of joy back into my world. 

Well, I’m here today to say, fuck all that!

What a pile of crap! No matter how hard I work on any of these things I always circle back around to nothing but more misery. This week I’m going to explain my frustration with all of these projects, and show you why exactly why, if he doesn’t hate us all, god definitely hates Dr. Loser.

First let me talk about the quest to rank my 30 favourite albums of all time. In the beginning it was nice and smooth, I made a list of all the albums that I consider great and re-listened to them. Starting to seriously rank these is when things started to get complex. I began by creating a system for comparing albums that was a mix of math and personal opinion, and used this for evaluating the work of acts like Jimi Hendrix, Funkadelic and Metallica. I also started to exclude many albums that I didn’t feel lived up to the criteria for a “good” album in my mind; live albums, compilations, soundtracks and tributes. Of course, I can’t play an instrument, sing or dance, yet I was able to determine just exactly how musicians should be effectively putting together an album of their own music.

Then I started to get carried away, and spent hours devising a very complicated series of stupid equations that would assign objective numerical values to subjective components of albums, such as song length, variety, and intensity. This led me to my last post on this matter where I listed the top 10 albums that had come out of these metrics. The closest I got to a #1 was Mos Def’sTrue Magic” with a score of 9,972 out of 10,000 but I was still searching for that album that achieved perfection by building upon the first song and getting gradually better and better until ending with the best song on the album. This rising action had to be so strong and precise that it forced me to listen to many albums multiple times over, even some that I really didn’t really like that much. 

In the end, the only album that gained the perfect score of 10,000 was “God Hates Us All” by Slayer. A great album no doubt, but my favourite album of all time? Really? I tweaked and played with my formulas, but no matter what I did, “God Hates Us All” kept coming out on top. So if I want to stick to the method of painstakingly researching this material then this undeniably must be the conclusion I’ve come to, and it’s driving me crazy!

Not only am I in a similar mind-boggling scenario of working myself into circles, just like I’d done with my PhD thesis, but I also went and created a lunatic mind map on my wall that kept me up all night staring at it like there was some secret to the universe somehow hidden in this nonsense.

wallcrazy2

What am I supposed to do? Declare my top 30 albums now under this insane criteria, or go back to the drawing board? What a nightmare! Thank you againgod!

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